hear her in diaries&stories

2010-12-04T21:30:00.000-08:00

BELGIUM

AMSTERDAM,HOLLAND

IMMMMMMMMM back!

First. FRANCE, AMSTERDAM(HOLLAND), BELGIUM ........ LONDON. THE UK.

Boy. ive beeen to so many places and lifes been good at the UK. It keeps my eyes

wide open to what the reality is. What life, is. What true people are.

2010. is almost coming to an end. 3 weeks? Todays the first week.

Its crazy. Ive met new people. People come and go, People came and stay. Friends at the hotel.

Hotel life is crazed field! My collegues are weird people. My Collegues are smart people.

Exprienced, Eccentric...... also very weird. So weird that i dont understand why are they

the way they are. What a life. Ive met people from China, people who are Deputy Directors asking me to bring myself with him to China to stay. to which of course i declined.

Looking back to 2009. Its been great 17. I met new guy, whos simply lifes screwed. SCREWED. and i mean it. Looking back at him ive realised how blind i was. So blind, i could be a bat.

This year, this new year - ive made up my mind to what the kind of life ive really want.

i focus on what i want, what the kind of being i want to be. I read lots of story book, whereas the live revolves around Manhattan, or the UK. London at its Oxford Street with TOPSHOP, RIVER ISLAND.

Manhattan where there are SoHO.

I love my family. But each time, i say something i result in a fight. A painful quarrel where 3 people come against to what i say. How i feel, and how i am being 'defensive' again.... when im not.

im clearly clear of what im doing what i feel, my thoughts. and Why do i keep blabbering, why do i keep insisting of my stand which they do not understand and would not hear of.

Im sad. Im being,again, trying to get away from them. Each time at work i wanna f up myself, my life, i feel like a FML. I wanna get home as soon as possible, and i meant literally, cabbing home. Taking a ride home instantly so i could get home to rest. Get away from so many plastics at work.

Now home's a lil rough, cus we started offon a rough patch today.

To You who dont own a name, to you who do not deserve for me to call your name.

He screwed me up. I thought i could rely on him. His words turn into lies. He get me off his house 935pm at night. not caring where im going, not bothering what im going to do, a girl at night.You let your family laugh at me. I cant understand why.

You just screwed me up, when i needed help the most. you left me in complete lurch. Your sister constantly tweeting about me, what a bitch i am, what a complete fake i am.

to whom i am to you, to you it doesnt matter.

At last to what i am going to say, You'll never find another one like me, you will fail in relationships because of what you did. you are being a complete- COMPLETE Ass, ive ever met.

A toast to you. Ive picked myself up, watch me one day.
i will laugh at you.

How is everyone doing? How is 2011 going to be? I wonder so much, im looking forward.

Life is crazy! Too much people walking in and out.

Im looking forward to the UK again. Very soon, ill be back to the cold Winter.

UK.. Ive missed you, and here i come.Again.

I'll be back. Soon.

sign off, Me.

2010-09-18T06:59:00.000-07:00

Im blessed to be called to Host another Event, the end of week - on the Friday.

Apart for hosting, ive decided to sing too, as an inspirational to the teachers.

Thank you Mr Aziz(lifeskill department) who'll be e guitarist.
The collaboration will be a HIT.

why am i not fretty?

Justin Kane, why does thing so have to fall into place now? Exams are over, and im spending time in school bothering and fretting over rehearsals after rehearsals instead of having class, and im able to see you during break at 1st floor. And why are you so cute?

and Whyyyyy are you able to come to JB stay over my house,
( we're gonna overnight my the poool side,LETS TAKE LOTSA PICTURES)

for Jassica Jolie's 21ST birthday? Thank You so much. Others would not have made that effort.

Cant wait to see you - tomorrow.

Thank you Joseph for being able to come.

Pictures (coming soon)

Love, Crystal Morgane

2010-09-05T08:52:00.000-07:00

Had Great dinner in Wisma Atria, a level 2 good Dim Sum place for dinner. whats e name of the restaurant. god im hopeless.

i think its Tai Pong. or something. Dong Tai Pong?
Whats is family without food, laughter, fun and..... also, lecture. O.m.g My mum you can never compete the speech with. She tells me about boyfriends. dates. love.
im all.de-af.

Mum, Jolie and I are flyin to europe soon for weeks. So today we were out in search of gorgeous trenchcoat. There are really gorgeous ones at Zara also, DKNY and Warehouse...

Almost done with college. Thank god. left with grinding studies to go. A whole lot of Chapter 7 to follow. Imma sure im able to do it.

so before i left for weeks, and leave my blog post remainin e same:

I thank the Universe for giving me everything i need. Mum, A family. a face i couldnt complain anymore, clothes. my e5, gorgeous heels.

I thank the Universe for giving me everything ive wanted. and i am sure you will still give me more.
I thank for those who have left, you have thought me something along the journey with you.
I thank the Universe so much.
i am grateful enough, im happy for.

2010-08-29T08:50:00.000-07:00

you know what?

'its time to groom yourself to be a sucessful person'

my foot.

failed people in your life.

you are dirty.a disappointment to your father

shameful and Just.a boy.

2010-08-29T08:26:00.000-07:00

Today, i felt paralyzed. Yesterday i hurt my feet. Stepping on a sharp object is a good massage therapy, whereas the damaged blood vessel that made it worst - i couldnt walk properly. It felt good to be an ill person for a day. still, i made lunch. I made sardines and lotsa tomatoes and egg. Belle loves it, and we all ate lunch.

It felt lazy. must be the rice u know? the carbs. also the great tomatoes in my tummy. i layed on bed, so lazy, like a silly pig after meal. all they do is to take a nap until they wake up, hungry again, they eat. Online on my brand new e5, (threw the samsung away? can someone take it back? insignificant.) i fell asleep. it was a great nap.

Then....... Daddy came into my dream. ohno.... tears. and Tears. in my dream, it was him sitting there....

i cried, ' WHERE HAVE YOUU BEEN PAPA?? SO LONG PAPA..... WHERE DID YOU GO???'

In my dream, everyone was there. i cried and cried and cried....... The dreams felt significant.... He is back again. 8 years i have been waiting.

i woke up, and it was all a dream.just a dream, and i asked myself, why? why did it have to be a dream????

It came to evening, Ungku drove me out for dinner.

I came home, mopped the house a little bit. i cant help it, the tears were coming down. it fell like drops as i pull the mop forward and backwards.

It was a big impact in my life, the biggest hurt of the day.

he is the man. of my life.

2010-08-15T05:12:00.000-07:00

WHATTT???

PICK ME TO DANCE SESSION

Add caption

The last two weeks was all about Events. It spelt my week. Its the passion that lingers around.

ShangriLa called me to announce they gonna hire me for attachment. It was a gift from Heaven. As a trainee ive been hired to work as a Guest Relation Officer and also a front desker. Apart from that, im posted to ValleyWing where only prestigious guest goes.

Thank you for all the blessings. Thank you Father and Thank You God.

Train train and train in the gym, i spent lots of time with Mum. Today i cooked delicious chicken and rice wine with Cauliflowers for Lunch.

I have found blessings in Mum and Mum always made me the most loved child in the family.

For 3 days, we have been spreeing around Orchard Ion. We spent a few hundreds in food in 3 days. The fun and happiness together is more significant that bein able to describe.

2010-08-02T09:32:00.000-07:00

Mum Me Sis to a RESORT for 2 days and it rocked.
Finally my body put to use!

A goood sleep after a very long day.

i never knew i looked so elegant when i sleep.

2010-07-29T06:23:00.000-07:00

Huge isnt it?
ps: this is only the back of e garden

Dad's Mansion at Jitra.

Found some old school pictures and this was a good TEN years ago.

Look how big and huge my Dad's mansion is. It was far West Malaysia where i come from.

We have a big huge garden where we play with Tiger (huge american dog)

Dinner served by the garden. Wasnt life great then?

I miss old times, would i ever get back.

Whats up? Blogging's been gone forev(a). Im back, only today.

Things has been pur-fect. Gorgeous neighbors, now my new BFF.

She's Daniella. Sweden Indian, totally huge masculine and gorgeous.
Shes back in Malaysia, we catch up last night. A complete party with lots of Pizza.
Kahlua and Milk is brilliant.

So, ITE CCKs been well huge and gorgeous. My friendships with many people through mates has been alot alot. Loving my friend who always lingers around (Syam... Maths, Rafie) guys im really gonna miss you when im outta er.

MY HAIR'S DONE. COMPLETE TREATMENT, ITS SOFT AND NEAT NOW.
howd Mitt look.

Yes, School. Lotsa of event.
Hosting my last bit of events. I cant wait cus i really really love love love to talk through the mic/ i really deserve to be a DJ.

Waitwaitwait. FINALLY THIS IS THE TIME!

Today was SIA Airline Interview.

They came to school for recruitment.

I went for the first round, waiting for the dream call.
id never stop believing. the dreams lingers and the hopes everyday keeps pushin higher and higher till i smile at every thought. thoughts then become things.

Hiatus, wait for me again.

2010-07-17T07:20:00.000-07:00

Crystal's turned 18, Shes the woman.

2010-06-30T02:42:00.000-07:00

Barney is the shape of my heart.

E resembles uncanny.

2010-06-24T18:24:00.000-07:00

Belle: Tomorrow you going to fetch Cheh2?

Crystal: *very busy typing away,status after status Facebook update*

Belle: *waits for 5 sec responds* Quickk ?? are you going ???

Crystal: yeah yeah.. *laughs HAHAHAHHAH at one of the statuses

Belle: *i caught her muttering under her breath as she leaves e room* ohmygod.... this is a reason why i should delete my sisters Facebook account.......

I do have an adorable Little Sister,yes B.
Too addicted!

2010-06-24T07:48:00.000-07:00

The many fun tonight.

2010-06-17T23:07:00.000-07:00

God you gotta help me, cus lately ive been disappointed,uninspired and hating myself, for, lying to my Mother.

2010-06-13T08:49:00.000-07:00

On friday i hosted and sang in front of hundreds.

The best part lies ahead of a single footstep to you.

However nothing matters anymore, as long as, i am achieving every milestone to accomplishing my dreams.

Gorgeous school, wonderful crowd.

New campus, ITE CCK.

gorgeous, spacious and beautiful.

2010-06-12T07:25:00.000-07:00

We never learn our lesson. We think playing on and off is fun.

I grow up.

2010-05-29T08:16:00.000-07:00

Recording for School Album

2010-05-14T02:26:00.000-07:00

i took the car after lunch.

i had to make myself believe its over, bcus you think it is.

i have been forgotten.

I have been made to stop waiting bcus ive took your hand promised to wait, or was i had dreamt?

can i hear this, Promise you will call.Crystal, please say youll wait for me. I'll grow up some day you see. Saving all my kisses just for you

Signd with love,

forever true

2010-05-08T07:43:00.000-07:00

previous night, i dreamt of my hero father. as i opend my eyes, i see Dad's photo frame at e egde of my bed.
i remembered having a dream. i felt as tho, i have spoken to him. i have felt him after - so long.

in my dream it was painful. i remembered i askd him, ''these years you were away, i have been bad.''

''are you mad thAat i have not been good?''

he told me, ' i know youve tried your best'

he gave me more inspiration to be my better self. it feels painful not to cry bcus, i have been trying to do myself at better self, greater heights.

i really love you, my Hero.

2010-04-30T07:25:00.000-07:00

without the pillar its just still - me

2010-04-25T03:55:00.000-07:00

my previous entry on this post was - out of frustration and dismay. ive deleted e entry and now say my mind from scratch.

an angry man speaks angry wozrd and later regret his speech.

we all move on to greater heights.

2010-04-06T07:58:00.000-07:00

Mum has been, having creepy monster at her back.Must be her parlour again.Getting grumpier and, impatient and her angers threw on me like a ...... sand boxing bag. I teard when her temper threw on me, when doing the floor.

throwing temper by slamming the cauliflower on the chop board and slizing it obviously seemingly 'imMadstopnagging!'

Ive been doing meals for family, Simple.... chicken stock vegetables, fish!, chicken, and... eggplant with sambal. Whats cool about my hols ? im able to focus on them like a baby (aprntly not) Sun tan at 10am by the pool, swimm to get Brooke Shield bod, and Now, i am a lobster.

which picture looks more like a lobster? i cant decide.

Nothing amazez me more than me tanned like a crab and isnt mad and crazy over the burns but...... in fact happier. content.Whats life with a pool for me? spell Lucky.

Swimming is official. It happens everyday. I saw results. Less flabs and now its not fab and getting bad. Ive never appreciated tans. but now i do, cus..... hear it comes.

IVE FINALLY TONED DOWN BODY INTO FITTING IN A BIKINI BAYBY!

Hardwork came my way, it was hard cutting down on sooo many and now - proudly Bikini Size.Might be hitting Sentosa sea. girl walkin down. Walking down.

Meeting friend for a coffee, stucked in bed morning sickness, driving Mum around meeting up her friends for tea after tea, appreciating Mum's beautiful lectures of LIFE- having to be stucked in traffic, accepting request after request on FB,thinkings of tweets and lazing by pool asking for more tan...yes, with a Bikini -

Would be over soon after e 14th.

2010-04-01T05:33:00.000-07:00

The pain came with tears caused
swelling and drastic discomfort that wouldnt go down in hours.....

2010-03-18T03:30:00.000-07:00

Hosted Grand Finals ITalents 2010.

What a blast and honour to host such grand event? Mark Richmon and Kui Jien came. Wife, Sarah Tan came. From where i was standing i can see her holding Baby Dylan and i was very thrilled. Havin the urge to run down to get ey autograph.

Had to wait for Belle to get done with her friends, i walkd around the mall looking for things to buy, things that 'have a chance to gimme a reason to live again'. There arent any. i had an hour left, i sat at Delifrance to have a cup of hot coffee since the weather's decide to be cats and dogs.

During that hour in the warm bistro, i sat to think alot while the cup of coffee stays in front.

Career and Life. Lots and lots came in and out, and i handle them each in that hour. from life to family, family to studies, then to career, proceeding to Relationships then back to life.

So, during that hour, ive finally realised what thought has been bothering me.
ONE, issue.

What, do i want?

the prince everybody wants

2010-01-30T02:37:00.000-08:00

We dream many dreams together.
Weve got big future, Weve got a lovely aisle.

What wasnt meant to be was not meant to be.
From the day your Dad is Ill to my knowledge, i wanted to be there.

Then Dad passed on to pure land. I wanted to be there when you open your eyes and realise he' gone but a diamond is here to ease the pain..... and i tried to be, and i was there.

It went on and on and now, things gets to e point i could no longer feel your appreciation
. Youve got your family to juggle, your future company your father left for you and your sister, your studies and work.

The mean things i said to you were just to make you go away, deep inside my heart i am like a little baby bird crying for the mother.
I couldnt bear to let you go, you are just a big giant loop of hope for me, or at least you made me feel so loved and lovely when im in your arms in lazy afternoons.
However, youre tied with crazy stuff that, i would be at the last priority level not bcus you do not love me but you do not have the choice..... so do i wait?

i understand weve got dreams we dreamt. I understand you love me, like how much i love you, your parents, your dad agreed to our relationship. My parents? You said you'll come down to mum to ask in hand for marriage of her little Girl. and i believe you will, once youve got your power in your life.

Anton.... let this be a lesson learnt in our life, i believe youve let go now of the pain, while i will keep trying to push the thoughts away - or ... have you Not let go yet?

2010-01-21T05:18:00.000-08:00

My final Showchior was the most meaningfull one.

Brindha, Anton and Ms Lim's presence made me do it and be the best of best among e performers.Anton being there at my show- made me wanna do a great job only for him.

How Proud am i to say, Im glad i did such great job.

Mum wants me to start focusing on family and studies and should stop prioritizing performance. i agree and did not argue, tho - i wanna tell her, I Love to perform and it means everything to me.

Im sure i'll have a another chance to perform, the chance that mum determines it.

2009-12-22T01:43:00.000-08:00

The most ridiculous video ive done.

Days in Vietnam

2009-12-20T03:57:00.000-08:00

The trip to Vietnam was incredibly meaningful.

Wanna thank Sam and Brindha for makin my day(s) there.

2009-12-01T07:03:00.000-08:00

28 August 2009, i was invited to the father’s company dinner ceremony as invited by e Father, after going to a Magic Show at RP with the family the previous week.

From then on, i have been rather close with the family, as Anton brought me close to them each time, while i try to make myself close too. I love to bond.

Its been more than 3 months since i know the father, a day before the family goes to India for religious traveling, the father collapsed the afternoon before, and that second marks the start of his life misery - his illness starts torturing his life till his death. Sunday, 28-11-2009.

3 weeks ago, i made time to stay over to take care of the father, and spend my time with him. The intention was to spend time with the gravely ill father. I soon love to take care of him, as he has resembles to my late grandfather, both bald, and teeth-like dentures are e same.

Anton has brought me so close to him.... that whenever i see him lying in the coffin each day since Monday... i would thought of those times i used to massage and cupped-hand smack all over his body while he silently bears in pain as cancer cells attacks his muscles in the body. It might be like, cramps, times 10, and all over your body.

Sometimes i would tear, esp, when i clean the parents room, as i mop under the bed, i would thought of his dad used to lie on the bed, asleep... or flipping all over to find comfort, to drain himself to sleep to forget the pain in the body.

I saw how strong Anton and his sister was, as Anton do not shed a single tear when his father's body arrived at the funeral ... in a Coffin. His father.in a coffin. it that was me, i was wondering later, i would have cried till i choked. i have never been to my father's funeral.

Till this moment, i still will always remember Uncle, whom Anton and I will refer him as, Dad. Hows dad? Has dad eaten? How was dad today?, i would ask.

Anton would reply, Dad is a good boy today. He ate some food. Or.. Nope, dad has fits in the morning, or... dad couldnt sleep the whole night.
and... Dad's naughty boy today, dont want to eat...

''There is nothing i am left to do. i could only be there for him everyday at the funeral, as long as i am able to, as long as he sees me there - i am able to be there, not emotionally, but mentality and Physically.''
I left on saturday after visiting Dad... He caressed my head - not knowing after hearing from the Aunt, she said, when he caressed her head, she knew he was going to go. soon, i left at 7.
never did i know that GUT feeling, when i left,I felt i had to go up to say bye to Uncle again, properly. Anton gushes he is asleep, and anyway he wouldnt know i left. with that, i thought of nothing else and left, in my mind, ah... i'll still see me on Monday, Any-way... But. no, no more.

On Sunday morning i thought of the busy following week i am going to have, ETP projects and chior practices. I had wanted to text Anton to say... i wanna come in early to see Dad in the morning as he's always awake early, so i at least visit him everyday, then go to school together with Anton, while he goes to work. I thought of proposing the idea to him at night. But in the afternoon that day, the news triggerd my day. I feel sorry for Anton, I feel sorry I cant be there right at that moment.
Im covered in emotions, guilt and pain as I am sad and still do cry for someone i love that kept dying around me like plants dehydrated without water for days.
Uncle, or Dad, wherever you are, I will be bright with wisdom like how you taught me to be, when you are sickly on the bed.

Your lessons will always make an impact in my life, as you are ‘someone important to me’(s) father.

You have to know, Anton loves you a lot actually, even after, venting his anger on you on Saturday, he threw himself in the shower and anger off his anger under the cold shower that brought him into sense. While getting dry, he told me, in guilt, ‘I yelled at Mum and Dad..’
I knew that second he is sorry for what he did, though he still go on, on why hes father is weak, that is because he refuse to Eat.

He went to his room., grabbed a bloster, and then what he did made me tear quietly, as I do not want him to know I am feeling terrible.
He laid face on his bloster, and quietly teared…….. with this, I knew- he felt terrible.

The story of a Father and A son, and someone who got into my life and then gone in a while.

Uncle or Dad whom we love and will always miss.

2009-11-20T02:03:00.000-08:00

Time have changed.

2009-10-10T04:57:00.000-07:00

What,where and Why.... do i love.

Your selflessness.
Your devotion.
How you always stand up for what you believe in.
The way that you always look for and find the positive in everything.

The fact that you know exactly where you are going in life and will do whatever it takes to get there.
Your gentleness with me.
How you are always understanding with me even when I don’t deserve it.
How you always can make me laugh or smile even at times when I don’t want to.

The annoying fact that you are right 90+% of the time.

The way you make me feel about myself.

How you don’t mind holding my hand or showing me affection even in public.

The way you kiss me and touch me.

The fact that you were willing to take a chance on me.

The way you always encourage and believe in me.

The way you’ve opened up your heart and life to me.
How forgiving you are.
How you’re not afraid to be a risk-taker.

Your determination and conviction and how once you set your mind on something that nobody can change it... and ...

Your incredible dreams and visions for our future that will come true.

no poison and all Remedy Remedy

2009-10-07T23:14:00.000-07:00

I was facebook-ing; most of the notifications I got are from applications. There is this particular application called “God wants YOU to know…”

Whenever I clicked on that particular information, it always come out what I’ve been contemplating the entire day. How should I live my life with my “friends”.

“Once bitten by a mosquito, the whole day your afraid of Mosquitoes” literally meaning that once you’ve trusted someone, your afraid to trust again. I’m having that feeling since yesterday.
I once trusted them, once relay to them, and had fun with them. But that feeling was gone. They enjoyed the party, laughed, though I was out of place. I think it’s because, they we’re talking a lot in Arabic.
[of course i understand, but nothing can come out arabic-ish from my mouth so I did feel out of place]

Back to the facebook applications. My message for today is:
On this day of your life, Crystal, we believe God wants you to know … that you can’t rid the world of sorrow, but you can choose to live in joy.
-Sorrow is with us not because we are bad at stopping it, but simply because it’s part of being human. What matters is not whether good or bad things happen – both will, but your relationship to them. Just think back over the last 24 hours, – what had you taken hard that you could have taken lightly?

This message uplifted my spirits the most. I can never understand my own feelings not until I sit back and think, aiyo I should just ignore that feelings and just remember the good times…or maybe not that…. just remember the most important real friends moment we shared within the past 2 years. Jesu,Jade, Susan, Lincon Belle Monroe and Jass.. And many more… which I really don’t fail to acknowledge the meaning of real friendship and trust.
Thank You… My all.